I lack the openness that other bloggers bring to their pages. I have always envied the manner in which people like David DePaolo and Bob Wilson open their lives on the Internet and share unabashedly from their personal relationships and experiences. I am, at heart, a very private person and struggle with sharing such details. I chose today to do so, recognizing that the motivation may be perceived as self-serving or worse. But I was recently bestowed with a tremendous honor, which made me think. I am hopeful it will do the same for you.
You will likely find yourself periodically wondering whether you accomplish anything. The day-to-day is sometimes daunting and seemingly repetitive. Over time, achievements and accolades may begin to accumulate after a long career. Some may appear less than sincere. I will never forget being invited to speak to a group less than a year after being appointed Deputy Chief Judge. They were keen on my appearing at their event and proposed to bestow a "lifetime achievement award." I demurred.
Awards and plaques may sometimes just come with your territory perhaps. As we age, hopefully we all come to understand that they are not valid measures of ourselves. See The Man (or Woman) in the Glass. The critical point made there is "you've passed your most dangerous difficult test if the man in the glass is your friend." It is you that determines the measure of your success, not a garage full of plaques and plates.
That poem, The Man in the Glass, was distributed to me as part of a college activity a million years ago. A copy of it has remained in my desk for decades, and it resonates with me. Awards, accolades, praise, and more can go to one's head: "get pats on the back as you pass." The real measure of success is whether you have "cheated the man in the glass." We would all do well to remember that both personally and professionally.
With all that said about plaques, certificates, and awards, I received recognition recently that was touching in its simplicity, clarity, and brevity. There was no banquet to attend, no speech to deliver, and no crowd in front of which to be embarrassed; yes I find my shy personality challenged by public recognitions.
This tribute made me recollect and reflect upon The Starfish Story, an amusing and poignant parable of making a small difference in an otherwise perhaps indifferent world. My reflection upon that story was inspiring. In a nutshell, it tells the story of a child walking a beach that is covered in starfish stranded by the receding tide. An old man, seeing the child throwing starfish back into the sea, explains patiently, and perhaps haughtily that the child simply cannot save them all, is struggling against absolutely unbeatable odds. The child responds by throwing yet another into the sea and replying I "Made a difference to that one!”
What if you could truly touch one person? How would you ever know? Perhaps someone might tell you, or provide you some public accolade. But, any such public display or award might be sincere or perhaps not. They say good things come in threes. I provide three recent events in my life that remind me how much we need each other.
In January 2022, I received a nice card from the department head of a college at which I have periodically been an adjunct instructor (I never use the "professor," nor allow the students to do so, as it upsets some people). The card said simply that "this is my favorite part of being a (department) chair."
Enclosed was a card that read "Congratulations Graduate," which had been distributed to some student upon finishing her or his college degree. It asked
"Can you tell us which faculty or staff member has made the biggest difference in your college experience?"
The student had taken time to return the card, had named me, and added a personal note of thanks related to my efforts in teaching a business law course. I will likely never know which student it was, and over more than 20 years of teaching there are many potential suspects. Certainly, this one was likely fairly recent, and I have involuntarily listed recently into imagining which it might have been. I suspect that I shall never know.
This little note card is, without a doubt, among the highest praise and reward I have ever received. Its anonymity, simplicity, and clarity are indescribable. I picture myself on that long beach, and proudly exclaim to myself "made a difference to that one!” Maybe my publication of this experience is the very antipathy of my reticence regarding public recognitions, perhaps even hypocrisy (or worse)?
In a similar experience, my cell phone rang one recent Sunday morning. Caller ID showed a number in a Florida city, but no name. I was reluctant to answer, fearing some telemarketing recording best left to voicemail. For some reason, I answered. An old friend of more than 25 years was reaching out to talk about Judge Dietz' passing the day before. We had an animated and enjoyable conversation. The caller knew I would be troubled. The caller was in the midst of other tasks and took the time to reach out to share memories, recollections, and humorous anecdotes. The call was cathartic and healing. I realized later in the day that call and the recollections and laughs was exactly what I needed, but that I was unaware I needed it until it came. Serendipity? Perhaps, perhaps not.
Days ago, I received a brief email. The name of the sender was immediately familiar but from my ancient past. In my days of legal practice, this expert had been a mentor as I learned some of the challenges of orthopedics. In a frenzied and frustrated world of litigation and conflict, this physician had striven to explain medicine, causation, and physiology to me, to my benefit, progress, and success. Somehow, our paths had recently crossed on a virtual webinar. The doctor had taken a moment to write simply "I just looked at your lecture again . . . and realized how special it was. Thank you." It was heartwarming that someone benefitted from my effort. It was more so because perhaps in a small way, so many years later, I repaid some small measure of this physician's patient efforts to help me grow and learn as a young lawyer so long ago.
I write today not to brag about the little notecard described above, but to note that perhaps you have made a similar difference in someone's life, yet such a card to facilitate your acknowledgment will never come. I hope the former is true, and that you somehow know that you helped someone, even in some minor way. I write to acknowledge that you have the potential every day to make that difference to someone. As cliché as it may sound, I encourage us to seize those opportunities, to support those around us, and to remain aware that people we encounter may be experiencing challenges.
For example, who would have guessed a Ms. USA, an attorney, with intellect, beauty, success, poise, and more would jump to her death? What was going on in her life? How did no one perceive her pain? How did she reach the point of no return? Who did she turn to, or why did she conclude she had no one to turn to? Her friends, associates, and family will struggle with that (If you ever find someone in such pain, there are many resources, start with the hotline 800-273-8255). People you come across every day, despite the image they share on the outside, with the world, may be as fragile, as troubled, and as at risk.
Will your kindness and compassion buoy them or will you pass them by like starfish stranded on a beach? Will you be patient with them and help them learn and grow? Will you take the time to make a quick phone call on a Sunday? Will you take that call if it comes? Is there someone you might touch with a quick email?
Perhaps someone has made a difference in your life? That is where my nagging feeling of guilt about that recent note card originated. As I re-read that card, I realize that a great many people have made a significant difference in my life both professionally and personally. I fear, in retrospect, that I have not been very adept or diligent at acknowledging and thanking them. Have you?
Today, find a way to throw back one starfish. Do it daily. Today, take 30 seconds and send someone an email to acknowledge that in some perhaps minuscule way they threw you back in the ocean in some way. It need not be something or someone recent, need not be some magnanimous or fantastic help they rendered. But, if you recollect a kindness that made a difference, why not reach out and remind someone?
